True blue, white and red-blooded Americans have much to praise or bless God for on July 4, (insert the year please). The blessings God has granted America are so overwhelming that it is truly difficult to assess their scope and magnificence. But, in a spirit of humility and deep gratefulness, we would like to consider how many wonderful things we have to be grateful for as Americans, so we can bless God just as God has blessed us.
For starters, we thank God for giving us the means to enact our righteous revenge on nations that have harmed us or who our leaders tell us would have liked to have harmed us if they would have had the means to do so. Thus, we thank God Almighty for depleted uranium and cluster bombs to decimate the Iraqi people and poison their homeland for 4.5 billion years because those Iraqis under their madman Saddam Hussein just might have harmed us some time in the future if we had sold them some more technology.
We bless God that we have been able to take the war to the enemy in order to prevent them from engaging us on our own soil. We bless God for giving us the 101st Airborne to go over to Afghanistan and kill Talibans and Mullahs and militant Muslim warriors. We thank God for giving us B-52’s and carpet bombing and drones that can send Hellfire missiles down to wipe out our potential enemies. Even if they seem to be sheepherders or wedding parties, as long as our missiles and bombs hit or scared able-bodied worshipers of false gods, we are thankful. And we are thankful to have a general officer in our army who says right out loud that our God is bigger and meaner than the gods of the heathens we are warring against. America blesses God for supporting our troops!
But we bless God for far more than our armed forces. We have so much to be grateful for at home. We have the most television stations in the world and we have digital TV coming. We have the best sports on Sundays year round and we have preachers who don’t mind if we spend Sunday morning at the NASCAR races instead of at church. We have fantasy football and we have betting in Las Vegas to make our sports more interesting. Bless God for that America!
We also bless God for giving America the sexiest women in the world. And we praise Him for giving us the finest strip clubs in Atlanta and Dallas and around the country where those beautiful women will strip naked or semi-nude and rub their beautiful god-given boobies in our faces for a tip of only $20.00. And for a more generous tip, some of those beautiful women will service our further needs as American patriots.
We thank God for making Americans come together more and more, even with gays mixing with straight men in wonderful shows like "Queer Eye", which shows how God’s love can bring men and fagots together in mutual bonding. And we bless God for giving us "stars" from heaven like Brittney Spears and Madonna (Esther) and Janet Jackson to titillate us and relieve us of the stresses of our daily lives.
Our American businessmen bless God for giving us temporary workers who will work for reduced pay and no benefits. We bless God for making Wal-Mart the biggest store of all, with the cheapest prices and the lowest wages so the American Dream of buying more and more stuff will never die.
We bless God for giving us politicians who help us out by never admitting that they are lying to us, so that we do not become upset. We bless God for giving us a President who is so charming and fun-loving that we can’t help but love him and his dear wife, who stands by him (completely like that ‘angelic’ Hillary Clinton).
America blesses God for giving us so many native wildlife species, so even if we lose a few, there are always plenty more. We thank God for giving us air-conditioning, which will help us endure global warming as long as we stay indoors or in our air-conditioned SUV’s.
America blesses God for making us the best country in the history of the world — bar none. We bless God for making us what we are, and making us completely unlike France.
We bless God for giving us harmless neighbors like Canada and Mexico and we bless God for giving us fast food so we can avoid starvation while rushing from job to job. We bless God for giving us credit-issuing institutions so we can buy things without having to pay for them for months at a time, and we bless God for convincing the banks to loan us money for automobiles over five or six years instead of just four.
There are so many little things to thank God for — bikinis, thongs, halter tops, and personal pan pizzas. And there are big things to bless God for — Hummers, Super Big Gulps, credit card debt limits, and Anna Nicole Smith.
Bless God America! Let us take nothing for granted and may our way of life last forever!