Hey, America, here’s some advice. I know you’re not exactly known for accepting the advice of others, but this is something you’ll want to hear, believe me. Don’t look at my name and go, oh, forget it, it’s coming from a Muslim, what do they know about our interests? I’m telling you something that even your high-paying adviser can’t tell you because he’s got too many doubts about it. Maybe you’re thinking about it, too. If you ever needed some affirmation, know that this is it. You might want to add it to your agenda in your briefing tomorrow morning.
So, what is it that I want to tell you? Just that forget it, don’t make any more excuses. You want to attack Muslims, go ahead. Don’t ever think you need to justify what you do because you know what? No one’s really asking you for it. You know Nike’s slogan, just do it. And, no one is going to stand in your way. They never have, they never will.
It’s all old news. When was the last time Muslims ever stopped you? Hmm, come to think of it, when were they ever united? The collapse of the Ottoman Empire after World War I removed that obstacle. Ever since then, Muslims have become your little puppy. Say sit, and we will; say, fetch and we’ll run like a wild dog; say, sleep and we’ll snore. Don’t worry about us, because we’re on your leash.
That’s why there we were, silent, looking on with our big eyes as you and your cohorts gave a new, ominous face to fireworks when your campaign started against that impoverished country in Asia. To help some forgetful people, I’m talking about Afghanistan. That nation’s all but off the table when you decided Saddam didn’t look too good anymore in that outrageous palace he had built when he was your ol’ buddy. So, you thought, let’s bomb our way through it and finish him off. And, now, it’s getting a bit boring for you there, what with all the shock-and-awe display over, you’re looking for someone else.
Syria? Yeah, they’re awful people and you need to give them democracy, so you got to go in there for some regime change, but then, how will you send the likes of Maher Arar there to be tortured? Hmm. Iran! Yep, that’s a great choice, because they overthrew the Shah you imposed and they wear veils, but, they’re Shiite, just like those that got elected in your success story of Iraq, so that would make them a bit queasy, huh? Sudan –” that’s it. Darfur was horrible and Osama was once there building roads, but no friends are going with you on that, not even your other Chihuahua –” Great Britain. Saudi Arabia sure’s got some issues with human rights, as you proclaimed, but how will your limo run without the oil they give you for so cheap, man? Pakistan, uh-huh there you go; but what about Musharraf who’s doing a pretty good job, shutting down schools, arresting activists and policing religious gatherings. North Korea, maybe? What am I talking about? That nuclear power’s your friend now; sorry, my bad!
So, it sure is one confusing moment for you. I understand, take your time. But, in a show of your power, remind us from time to time that you haven’t backed away from your crusade. Tell those Muslims that just heaved a sigh of relief that they’re not off your list forever. Tell us, the bad guys, that you’re on our back and you’ll not accept defeat. Maybe we’d be sleeping, so just shake us a little and let us know.
The only thing I beg you not to do is to make up excuses. You want to invade any country, who’s stopping you? Was there anyone even as much as raising an eyebrow when you took on Afghanistan or Iraq? Did anyone whisper anything when you pledged undying support to Israel in its campaign against Palestinians? Did anyone nudge their fellow Muslim with their knees under the table, out of your sight, when you hailed the Russian and Indian presidents for their ‘antiterrorism’ efforts in Chechnya and Kashmir, respectively? Did it upset any among us when we saw and heard of the abuse and torture of our brothers in faith, from Guantanamo to Abu Ghuraib? Were we angered when we saw that every country you wish to strike is Muslim?
Why bother, then? It just makes you look pathetic. Go on your way doing what you already are. Steal our oil. Run our countries. Occupy our land. Change our school curriculum. Tell us our code of dress is outdated. Reinterpret our Quran for us. Teach us American Islam. Make us fight one another. Put our clerics on your payroll. Close down our charities. Arrest those who frown at you. Bomb us when you don’t like us anymore. And you know what? We’ll still love you.
And one more thing. Don’t you stop yourself, America. No Muslim will stop you anyway. Bet you’re now wondering why you ever hired that adviser who couldn’t even tell you these simple truths. What can I say? Isn’t a dog loyal.