From Ariel… With Love


Dear George:

My letter may get to you sooner than Victory Day, but I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on liberating Iraq and getting rid of one of  Israel’s worst enemies. My people everywhere will be most grateful to you for a long time. I am in awe (but not shock) of you and your wonderful administration.

In fact, let me just say it: George, you are my hero. And I am so proud to be your friend.

All of Israel is proud to be the only country you ever visited before becoming president (even if we are smaller than Texas). Any time you want to visit our holy land again, you are most welcome of course. I know that some Christian religious leaders in Bethlehem have declared you “persona non grata,” but I will stand up for you, even over their dead bodies. After all, George, you are my hero.

I know those Arabs and Muslims very well. They’ll use all sorts of dirty tactics to kill your freedom-fighting American soldiers. They will even call their own suicide bombers martyrs. How uncivilized! Now I realize (when I have to) that not all Arabs and Muslims are terrorists, but you can bet a Patriot missile that all terrorists are Arabs or Muslims. Ask them why they won’t come out and fight like real soldiers, and they’ll dig up the same old shop-worn excuses that they do not have F-16 bomber aircraft, Abrams tanks, or Apache helicopters. What a shame! Are we supposed to feel sorry for them?

Now listen carefully, George. Once you establish military command in Baghdad, we will be able to give you practical hands-on help to quash any Iraqi intifada before it even begins. We’ve successfully managed the Palestinian one for 30 months, both militarily and politically. We can even send you Arabic-speaking experts in brutal door-to-door fighting.

Just don’t pay any attention to those supposed reports from “the Arab street” protesting against U.S. “aggression.” Of course they’ll protest: they’re a bunch of losers. They’ve been doing the same against Israel for more than 50 years, and where has it gotten them?

Instead, always focus on their leaders. They can easily be seduced into following Washington’s line, regardless of what their people really want. But especially, don’t let anyone — Brits, European Community, Canadians, or the UN — campaign for free democratic elections in post-war Iraq. If you do, those backward Iraqis will turn around and elect nationalist or religious leaders with anti-American and anti-Israeli policies before you can blink an eye. Remember George, you are my hero, and I just had to warn you.

And, by the way, try to dump those ex-Commie, bleeding-heart, left-leaning liberals infesting Washington. We have their kind here in Israel too and they’re a real pain-in-the-drain, cowards every last one of them. They’ll nag at you on and on about peace and human rights. Don’t even bother trying to shut them up; just let it go in one ear and out the other. That’s what everyone else does.

But back to serious matters. Now that precious American blood has been spilled to liberate Iraq, you’d better keep massive American troops there until the job is completely done. After all, you can’t be thinking that Iraq is the end of your mission?!

Have you forgotten about Iran and Syria? Just between you and me, George, their governments are even worse than Saddam’s. I think you Americans should stay and clean up this whole region — get rid of these dangerous dictatorships once and for all. If you don’t believe me, ask our mutual friend Richard Perle. We all know that Iran has nuclear weapons, don’t we? We all know that Syria and Iran are behind every terrorist attack against Americans, including 9/11. Why wait for proof? You know what that shoe company says: “Just Do It.”  

So as I said before, George, definitely do not let the UN administer Iraq — that’s a no-no, nada, nix. Just don’t go there. Folks like us can’t trust them. Better to let a few semi-competent Iraqis take on thankless grunt jobs, like restoring education, health care, food distribution, protecting holy places, setting up farm team local governments. We did that with the Palestinians and it’s kept some of the smarter ones too busy making ends meet to cause much trouble.

In Iraq, you could even bring back the puppet royal family like you did in Afghanistan. But mark my words; real administrative power must stay in American hands — in your hands, George. Get together with our mutual friends Michael Mobbs, Jay Garner and James Woolsey. They all understand Israel’s security needs very well. Remember, neither of us wants another Saddam.

Now don’t get me wrong, George. I’ve wanted peace with our Palestinian neighbours for so long, I often cry over it. Call me sentimental and soft-hearted, but I’m still sure we can both live together, once they understand who’s really in charge (although we might have to kill many of them before they get it).

Well George, I know you have a war to finish so I won’t keep you. When you have some free time, in this term of office or next, I’ll be here to show you around. But for now, we must stay the course and mop up Iraq; then on to Syria and Iran. Like they say, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

So, congratulations again George. Just call whenever you need my advice in person; I’ve always loved Washington in the springtime.

Did I mention that you’re my hero?

Prof. Mohamed Elmasry is a professor of electrical and computer engineering at the University of Waterloo and national president of the Canadian Islamic Congress.