Alternative Palestinians

For Israel to have talks with Palestinians on Israeli security, the Palestinians must change their history, geography, sociology, psychology, and while at it, their biology. But if Palestinians were to sign their own death sentences, then Israel would be willing to have talks on ‘transfer’ instead of annihilation. Remaining Palestinians, who have not been swept by changes, but have difficulty recognizing themselves, could always check with either Israel or its supporting media to learn more about themselves, their culture, and their religion.

Palestinians must first abandon all the ‘dialogue of hate’, and must turn instead to major media sources that promote peace. For starters and for main course, they will discover that their mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers are all “terrorists” or “prospective terrorists”. In case they are wondering when did that happen? In summer when all things happen, and when things get sticky and words get coined, and when anybody, including who is a nobody, can mix and match words each to his own desire, and all combinations would lead to the unconditional hatred formula.

It is a very simple formula really. All one has to do is start with a conclusion and end up with a premise. If for example one feels like saying, Palestinians are all “terrorists” because they all wear belts, one ought to feel rather comfortable. If some Palestinians do not wear belts, they fund belts. If they do not fund belts, they support belts. If they do neither, they would like to do either. If they neither wear nor fund nor support belts, nor would they like to do any or all and cannot prove it; they are “terrorists”. If they can prove it, they are still “terrorists” because all Palestinians wear belts in the first place.

Palestinians will also find out from talk shows or some similar political platforms, often in the form of rap, that they are doing the ‘In’ thing by adopting exhibitionistic masochism as a way of life. Apparently, they love to be rejected, ejected, and projected on television or any other screen. They self demolish, self abolish because they don’t self-relish and will do anything to astonish. Israel therefore, has the right to make perish before they ever flourish.

As for the peace loving, God fearing specialists, Palestinians or any Moslem for this matter, have a lot to learn from. As it turns out, all this “terrorism” could be traced to a suicide manual with clear instructions from the “Moslem God”. The first thing to know about the “Moslem God” is that he is not the same as “ours”. For the simple reason, he just couldn’t be. The second thing to remember is that Islam, Moslems and the “Moslem God” are the same “thingy”. As a matter of fact, in the case of Palestinian Moslems, they include Christians and some Jews.

What equals what, differs for Moslems in general and Moslem Arabs in particular. Their mathematics is different. While the West uses Arabic numerals, the Arabs use Hindi ones. Here, let us not give any undue credit. In what was back then called un-clash of civilizations and cultural exchange, the information along with some Algebra and some Chemistry and some aniseed, was forced upon the West while semi comatose.

Back then, it was like if you had a Mozart in your front-yard, the neighbour could come over to your garden and listen to some music, without being accused of a clash of any sort, let alone, being accused of “terrorism”. Or if you wanted to see a Peter Seller’s film, your visa would not be revoked on grounds of terror laughter at the English sense of humour.

It was a mess. The Greeks, the Persians, the Arabs and a whole bunch of other people, all had things to say at the same time. You heard conflicting reports about the shape of the earth everyday and would adjust your watch accordingly. But when they told you it was rectangular after all, you stopped looking at your watch if you really wanted to know the time. There was also this guy, whose only occupation in life was to seek wisdom. He only thought and talked wisdom. Rumours have it, he blew it all by committing suicide. No, he was not Palestinian nor was he under Israeli occupation. He was Greek as a matter of fact. He just thought life was not worth living. The third thing to remember about Islam, is that the “Jihad” business goes as far back as the dawn of Islam, which goes as far back as the self-occupation in South Lebanon. The fourth thing to remember is that the “Moslem God” is not KKK he is AAA. He is ‘anti Semitic’, anti Israeli security and anti Israeli aspirations. Thinkers think that the “Moslem God” is not getting the message, and that Islam has to change to suit contemporary foreign policies, and why not? domestic policies as well. Otherwise, there is no place for Moslems in the midst of all this incremental civilization, progress, democracy, freedom, and the rights of men to wear Dior head scarves, when Moslem women get their freedom to take them off.

In shorté

Good and peace loving alternative Palestinians must see that Israel through tanks and think tanks is taking as many extra miles as it possibly can towards peace. The settlements are an Israeli well-intended effort, to give the Palestinians a better view and perspective of their lands than if they were to live on them. To maintain the view, Israel has to demolish fields, buildings, and sometimes people that may block the scenery. As for the Checkpoints, they are again a well thought of, well intended, well everything, Israeli policy to deal with the Palestinian social, educational, economic and health problems. With too much time on their hands, the Palestinians must use their feet. Those who want to go to work, school, hospital, or to their own homes in five hours instead of ten hours, may use donkeys. Four-wheel donkeys have gained new value, and have become the transport of choice, for their adaptability to cross valleys and hilltops. The donkeys get to work and the entire population is fit and in proper shape to hold talks on weather conditions.

For Palestinians who want to return home at the end of the day, Israel is willing to issue travel permits with all colours of the rainbow, in case they want to move from one room to another room and there is a corridor that separates the two entities. Those who cannot make it home, apart from the ones who were detained for thinking of wearing belts, or for thinking altogether, or for merely being, could go and stay with the neighbours instead. What is wrong with being adopted by the neighbours anyway? If you want Israel’s advice, there is absolutely no reason why one must waste one’s life at checkpoints and get nowhere, when one can live in a nice house and go to university and meet friends at cafés. What is wrong with “voluntary transfer” assuming the coffee is good? What exactly is wrong with being twice adopted and twice orphaned? It happens all the time.

For all the Palestinians know, they might end up richer, and with bigger houses and might even have each his own bathroom. Talking about bathrooms, Israel is willing to give away swim suits, (not necessarily Gotex), and scarves (not necessarily Hermés), where necessary, to all concerned Palestinians, who while taking a bath may find an Israeli soldier getting through a hole in the wall of their bathroom, looking for explosives. This is another Israeli effort, to save Palestinians from themselves, and from being arrested on charges of terrorist indecent exposure, or on charges of terrorist waste of “neighbourhoods” precious swimming pool water.

Let us face it, Palestinians are not regular human beings who need to go to work, schools, universities, or to hospitals if they get ill, or if a baby is due. This is only Palestinian hate propaganda aimed at tarnishing Israel’s image.

What Palestinians do, is fake kidney failures and want dialysis machines brought to checkpoints, for the whole world to see Palestinian blood flowing out and in for propaganda purposes. Palestinian women cannot even plan their pregnancy vis- é- vis the time it takes to cross checkpoints to hospital for delivery. How could this be an Israeli domestic problem? What Palestinians do not seem to understand, due to collective thickness, is that Israel is a democracy. It is not Israel’s fault if the Palestinian hatred mutated into terrorism. If Palestinians want to commit suicide en masse, Israel has no objection. As far as Israel is concerned they can all go to heaven if they like.

True, people generally hate occupations, but how could Palestinians hate Israeli occupation in particular? Good Palestinians must say we hate ourselves, we hate each other, and we love Israeli occupation. The thing is, it is not enough that the whole world must say it and in all languages that Palestinians are bad, it is important that Palestinians must say it about themselves and in Arabic, so they can be understood by the whole world. So, if Palestinians wish to call themselves “terrorists”, it is a free country after all and there is really no need for anybody to be more Palestinian than the Palestinians.